The Five Love Languages & Tantra

A Key to Better Understanding and Communicating in Relationships and Beyond.

Recently, my partner and I had a big argument. After it ended, we sat on the couch in the living room and talked about how we could improve our relationship. We remembered the theory of "love languages" and went through each language to see where we could improve. It helped. In the days since, we have been paying more attention to the different languages, even pointing them out. I say kind words to her and mention, "Here is the language of words." I hug her and say, "Here is the language of touch, take note." It seems to be helping because we haven't fought since then 🙂

You may have already heard the term "The Five Love Languages." Gary Chapman, a well-known psychologist and relationship researcher, developed this theory to help us better understand how we give and receive love.

Love is a complex emotion, and its expressions are just as varied. The beauty of Chapman calling them "love languages" is that they truly are different languages. Imagine speaking with someone in a language they don't understand. Naturally, there is no communication, and it can be frustrating. In our relationships and connections in general, there are situations where a "communication breakdown" occurs. We intend one thing, and the other person understands us in a "crooked" way or not at all because we are speaking different languages.

Another good reason to call them "love languages" is that, like verbal languages we absorbed in childhood, love languages are primarily learned in childhood. How love was "spoken" to us in childhood, how it was expressed towards us—these are the love languages we learned at home, and it is likely that today we express love through these languages. Like with verbal languages, we can learn and expand our horizons, but it requires some attention and effort. Just as the "mother tongue" was naturally learned at home, we expanded and learned additional languages elsewhere.

According to Chapman, the five love languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation: Expressing explicit love, compliments, words of appreciation, and gratitude.

2. Quality Time: Exclusive and dedicated time where we give full attention to the other person.

3. Gifts: Small or large, symbolic or expensive gifts that express thoughtfulness and attention.

4. Acts of Service: Helping with tasks, performing duties, and doing things for the other person.

5. Physical Touch: Hugs, kisses, caresses, and any physical expression of love and affection.

It's important to remember that each of us tends to prefer one or two love languages, which is our preferred way of receiving love and affection. Your love language may be different from your partner's, which is a source of many frictions and misunderstandings in relationships. So, this is an opportunity to learn to speak the same languages.

Parents greatly influence the love language we develop. Children who grew up in a home where love and affection were expressed verbally will tend to prefer affirming words. Children who had significant quality time with their parents will want to give and receive quality time in their relationships. Children who received special and symbolic gifts will see gifts as an important expression of love. Children whose parents helped and assisted them with tasks will tend to appreciate acts of service. And children who were hugged, caressed, and kissed will become adults who see physical touch as a natural expression of love.

Understanding our own and our partner's love languages is a powerful tool for improving communication and connection in a relationship. When we are aware of our partner's emotional needs and know how to express love in their language, we create mutual feelings of love, security, and satisfaction.

And how does all of this relate to Tantra? First, I view Tantra as much more than just the part that deals with sexuality. For me, it's a way of living that is connected to the heart. So, anything that brings more consciousness and more love to my life is a "Tantric Practice," and so is this practice.

Second, it's nice to notice that in a tantric love-making ceremony, we can use all the five love languages at once!

1. Words of Affirmation: Start the session by stating one thing you like about your partner today, continue expressing gratitude & love in words throughout the session.

2. Quality Time: Setting 2-3 hr. of your time for this love ceremony is exactly that.

3. Gifts: Would be nice to start the session with a little gift... Some ideas: a little crystal, a nice aromatic candle or incense.

4. Acts of Service: It's a nice tantric practice to be totally in service for the other person. They can ask whatever they want (as long as it's in your boundaries). And they don't need to do anything in return! That's total giving and total receiving, and it's really good to try that. You can switch the roles after a while, or in another session.

5. Physical Touch: Well, that is obvious in the case of Tantric lovemaking...

Love languages also impact other areas of our lives. If we have children, we will likely continue to speak to them in the languages we know. If we haven't learned new love languages since our childhood, we will continue to pass down the same love languages to the next generation. Love languages are also important in other areas of our lives, such as at work. Different colleagues speak different languages. Pay attention to who will be happy with a morning hug and to whom it might seem strange. Who gives many compliments and empowers people with words, and who helps others and does things for them.

Tips for Using the Five Love Languages

• Check with yourself: What are the love languages you absorbed in childhood, and do you still speak them? Have you learned to speak other languages?

• Talk with your partner about your love languages. Share what is important to you and what makes you feel loved.

• Pay attention to how your partner expresses love. They might be trying to show love in their own love language, but you might not understand it.

• Make an effort to speak your partner's love language. Say affirming words, dedicate quality time, give small gifts, perform acts of service, and express love through physical touch.

• Think about the people around you in your daily life—family, work, neighbors, etc. Try to assess and guess what love languages they speak.

Conclusion

Understanding love languages is a valuable gift that can transform your relationships into more loving, supportive, and fulfilling ones. Be patient and tolerant. Changing behavior patterns and expressions of love takes time, but ultimately, it will pay off and increase the love in your life.

Enjoy using the Five Love Languages in your life :)

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